Both of my kids are going on missions. Both enter their mission on the same day, Sept. 28, 2011. I'm struggling. My feelings are all over the place. I feel that I have lost them.

Honestly, I haven't lost them, but, there isn't any connection. I wonder if this is how my parents felt when I was so involved in this institution. When I finally stopped going to church they were so happy and so was I. My worldview changed, I could relate to them, it was a real relationship. Thank god!! Some years later my mother died of lymphoma.

I have to go to their farewell. It will be difficult listening to that bullshit. I haven't been a mormon church for sometime. I will feel out of place. I have such ill feelings towards that church. But, I will try to put those feelings aside for my kids. I think I would prefer to be invisible while I'm there.

The church isn't true! It isn't what it claims to be! They lie! They coverup! All for THEIR TRUTH, THEIR INSTITUTION.

I hope they find their way out, and, when they do I'll be here!

So I came across this article. Of course I was able to relate to it. When you believe in something to the point that you think it is true, and everything that you where taught is what actually happen, finding out the truth will hit you like a brick.

One of the comments struck me to the point that made me shake. The person who made the comment suggest that people who leave Mormonism no longer want to be accountable, so they can walk the world with out guilt. I did respond to that comment and suggested that it is accountability that caused us to leave, but not ours but the church. I listed several things that the church should accountable to:

"How about the LDS church (The one and only true church) be accountable about the Mountain Meadows Massacre instead of covering it up for 20 years and letting the real perpetrators get away? How about be accountable about the Blacks and the Priesthood when Brigham Young was in charge since Blacks where given the priesthood before then? How about be accountable about practicing polygamy instead of hiding the fact the Joseph Smith was making proposals to married women and underage girls?"

Have a happy day!!

I came across this yesterday:



It brought back some memories. When leaving the church, Mormons who knew you when you were active, all of sudden treat you like you are infested with the plague. They stop talking to you, they avoid eye contact. It's strange. When I decided to stop going and leave the church, I was still the same person. I still loved my kids, still tried to be the best father and husband that I could be. But from their perspective you have gone to the dark side. I remember when I was young and going to church, in one of the classes I was taught that, in the eyes of God it was worse for the person who was an active Mormon to leave the church then of someone who commits murder. The active Mormon has seen the "light" and now has turned his back on it. In essences you have turned your back on God. Mormons believe they have the one and only true church on earth.

It took me many years to decide to leave, it wasn't an easy decision. I knew I had to be true to myself. My wife wanted me to go to church and just pretend, that, to me, is giving out a false impression. When going to church you are telling others that see you that you are with them. I couldn't do that. It would be like lying to them and myself. I knew the church isn't true and I couldn't go and pretend that it was.

Leaving the Mormon Church has wonderful upsides. It was like see the world through a whole new set of eyes. I no longer considered myself special or better then anyone else. I no longer knew what to believe and finding out was going to be a wonderful experience, possibly life long. I was no longer constrained by a set of doctrines to force a world view into. I could read books on other religions and history and think about what is good and true for me and what makes me be a good human being.

Reasons why I prefer not to be a Mormon that has nothing to do with their doctrine.

• The feeling of superiority. I'm not sure what else to call it. I was the only member of my immediate family that was going to church when I was a teenager. My parents totally accepted this and worked around my schedule. When I went to church, the members their always made me feel very special. Being the only member of my family attending at all. There were times that I felt sorry for my family. I felt like they were missing out on this wonderful thing that I had and they would be so much happier if they knew what I knew. Many times I would go home crying and run to my room before anyone saw me, I didn't want them to see me. Since leaving, I have realized that my family are wonderful just as they are and had very happy lives. I only regret that it took me so long to realize this and probably could have been more open to experiencing their lives as I was growing up.
• Having to choose between church and family. As mentioned before I was the only one that went to church in my immediate family and like I said they would accommodate my activities. But they had lives too. When I was a teenager my family owned a cabin near Heber, UT. My parents loved going there and often invited and encourage my brothers and I to come along. Driving from SLC they would plan overnight weekend trips there, so it would include Sunday. They would go maybe 2 or 3 times a month. I wanted to go with my parents, but often felt guilty if I missed church. I'm not sure why. I remember the church does emphasizing a priority for ones life; God, Family, Church. But it seems to me that attending church and it's functions was emphasized but also rewarded. For example, the “Duty to God” award requires a certain amount of attendance. Also, if you missed church, someone would also come by and ask where I was and that I was missed. When I was teenager I loved the church and the people, but I shouldn't have to feel guilty for wanting to be with my family even on a Sunday. The Church seems to work best if only all the members of the family are all going together. If for some reason one member of the family doesn't want to go or has different thoughts, they are made to feel out of place by other members of the family and by members of the church. This creates a division within the family. It seems to me that the family should always be number one, which means going out of their way to do activities that includes everyone, like going to the park or going to the museum and even doing some of these activities on a Sunday or other church functions to show that the family is more important then anything else.
• Temple Weddings leave out family who may not be “worthy” or family members who are not members. Weddings are important, not just the couple who is getting married, but also to the families of the couple. Everyone wants to participate in the joyous and happy occasion. This should be a time where all of the family can come together, yet in cases as cited, it can be a family separator. Being a faithful member at the time, I got married in the temple, due to our family circumstances not one family of mine nor that of my bride was able to attend the marriage ceremony. Our parents put on happy face and we did have a gathering for our families and friends later that day. At the time you feel that it was ok, because that is what you believe and of course as a Mormon your desire is to get married in the temple. It is what you have been taught and anything else is considered less. Our families supported and accepted us, but this practice does not accept nor support them. The LDS Church talks about “Family Togetherness”, but this is a family separator.
• You are not allowed to question LDS Church history, doctrine, nor the authorities, even if they are wrong. Where would be if Galileo was not allowed to question the things he saw through his telescope that he probably built himself? As a matter of fact he wasn't allowed to question, he was put under house arrest and his ideas where locked up for 100 years. Yet, he was right, the church authorities were wrong. If people are not allowed question then the pursuit of truth will surely die. The understanding of the universe, natural history and all sciences begins with a question. It is difficult for me to fathom of just accepting something that somebody says, that is wrong. You would think that seeking the truth would be welcomed in a church that says that it is the “True Church”.
• When I was in my late teens I loved being in the LDS Church. One of those reasons was I believed it had the truth. I have always believed that the truth is the truth no matter where one finds it. Since I believed that I belonged to the “True Church” it would welcome and encompass all truth. I would come to find out that the LDS Church would often hide the truth or change it's teachings to conform to truth that is being found by science. I don't want to get into detail so I'll just list those have effected me. The Mountain Meadows Massacre, the act and how it was done is disturbing. Whether or not Brigham Young was directly involved is still up for debate, but what is known is that he help hide the truth for close to 20 years which is also disturbing. How the church have dealt with the blacks. The Mormon church ordained a black to the priesthood, Elijah Abel, in 1836. When Brigham Young became ahead of the church all of that changed and doctrines was put place to justify this decision. From my understanding of human history I don't believe blacks should ever be considered less in any way. I think what the church has done is disturbing. Ever since I was in the church I was taught that the American Indians were the direct descendants of the Lamanites. There is no physical evidence to support this, the archeology, anthropology and most recently the DNA evidence all suggest something else. The church has realized this and trying to figure out what to do, they even changed the introduction to go from saying that the Lamanites were the “principal” ancestors to the being “among”. I believe this will continue to be an issue for the church for several years to come.
  

How do find out what the nature of God is?

I thought as my first post I would address something that has come in to my mind from time to time. For those who believe in God, Allah, a supreme being or whatever you would like to call Him, how do you know what His nature is? From the Bible? The Quran? From your feelings? Through Prayers? From someone else who say they talk to God? People, who supposedly know God, talk as if they know what he wants. The people who crash planes in to buildings, no doubt, felt they knew what their God wanted and knew what their expected reward was. People who killed millions of men, women and children, thought they where doing God's bidding. Here, I am referring to things like the Crusades, treatment of those who don't believe as they do, witch hunts, Old Testament stories. I could go on, but you know what I mean.

The sources of what our supposed understanding of God can be somewhat be ambiguous, untrustworthy, and possibly goes against what we hold dear now. Let me begin with the Old Testament, does anyone actually read the entire old testament anymore? I remember in my Sunday school classes and other religious institutions would instruct us to read only certain parts and skip the rest. I remember when I read the Old Testament from beginning to end without skipping anything, I was shocked by the amount of sex, killing, and lying there was. Lot's daughters and what they did to their father, mass killings of villages and God was pleased! The deception is numerous, the whole Isaac and Jacob thing where the wives and the mothers had to deceive to make the right son get in the right place is something else. The old testament instructs us on how to treat our slaves. If slavery is bad, I mean if the God we know today has told us that slavery is bad and we have fought to get rid of slavery why did he make it alright in the first place. God could have made one of the ten commandments that slavery is bad and have to value for all human life. Can one imagine what the world would be like if all of humanity was valued and that understanding had started around 2000 BC, and if you believed that if you didn't you would go to hell. Some say that it was the Christians who ended Slavery, on the same tone, one could say that it was the Christians who prolonged it. The amazing thing is, slavery is still going on today. I find it hard to have the Old Testament be the source of the kind of God that looks down upon us. God is the one is doing most of the destruction and killing to those who do not believe. This is not the loving God that was taught to me back in my younger years.

Ok, so let's leave the Old Testament, it's, well .... , it's old. We have the New Testament, it's newer, it's says so in the the name. Let me review some of the things that are somewhat troublesome to me. Upon reading the stories of Jesus, it has become clear to me that this person is not the kind of guy that I would want as my spiritual counselor or mentor in life. Here is are some of the things he says, In Matthew he says "Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword." And the next verse something about breaking up the family. I certainly don't believe in that, I love and care for my family would do anything for them. Jesus also will reward those men who leaves their family for him. Again, why would Jesus want to me leave my family, didn't God command me to have a family, you know back in Genesis where I am supposed to multiple and all that. God/Jesus can't get this straight. In the book of John, it says that anyone who doesn't receive Jesus will have the wrath of God. So does this mean that all Hindus are going to hell? There are many different kinds of Christians, will they all go to heaven or are there some that won't, which would imply that some Christians are going to hell because they don't believe the "right" kind of Christianity. This might get me on another tangent, but this is another thing that gets me, why did God, assuming that He inspired the Bible, why did he make it so ambiguous that it generated so many different factions of Christianity, who, at times, fight amongst themselves? Is this some kind of game that God plays to see who will come out ahead? Anyway, I'm getting tired of the New Testament, I could on and on. I'm sure I could pick out those parts that would support the nice and loving Jesus that everyone seems to love. But that means we are free to pick and choose. If you believe that the Bible, the whole Bible, is inspired then that means you have to accept all of it or some how justify away those parts that you don't like.

Needless to say, I find it hard to use the Bible to find out what the nature of God is like or maybe one that I can accept. I would hope that those people who believe in the Bible want to believe in a God that is loving and caring. Obviously if you want to believe in a vengeful God, then the Old Testament will serve your needs perfectly. If you want to believe in a God where you are willing to give up everything including your family and all of belongings and anyone who doesn't believe in your Jesus will go to hell, than the New Testament will be the right book for you. I remember one time while a true believer in the Mormon Church and serving a mission my companion and I came across a certain fellow who believed from his readings of the Bible that he shouldn't get married and go off and serve God. Within 30min. I had convinced him with the same Bible that he should get married and serve God. It seems to me that the Bible can be whatever you want it to be, and for a God, who is supposedly all-knowing, would have made sure that that some of this ambiguity would have been somewhat reduced.

I've only read parts of the Quran, but what I seem to get from it, is that you if you don't follow Allah and Mohammad some of the following will happen:

1. I am evil. Verily We have revealed unto thee clear tokens, and only miscreants will disbelieve in them.
2. I am doomed. For disbelievers is a shameful doom.
3. I will burn. ...those who disbelieve will not avail them aught against Allah; and such are rightful owners of the Fire. They will abide therein.
4. I fight for the devil. ...those who disbelieve do battle for the cause of idols. So fight the minions of the devil.
5. I am perverted. Thus are they perverted who deny the revelations of Allah.

By the way, all of these apply to all Christians as well and anyone else who doesn't believe in Allah. So basically, Muslims will burn in the Christian hell and Christians will burn in the Islam hell. And people wonder why we can't all just get along. Since a lot of people believe these are literal truths and not merely myths, I fear that people will be fighting over this for some time.

Feelings and prayer and pretty much the same thing to me. Humans are so easily deceived by their feelings or what we perceive. Have you ever gone to a magic show and through the performers slight of hand you're senses have been fooled. Yet somehow when we pray and feel Gods presence we know without a doubt what God wants. My ex-wife, shortly after our divorce, decided to pick up everything and move to another state to marry a man that has several kids himself. They told me they prayed about this, they being my ex and my kids, and they knew that this is the right thing that God wanted them to do. Within a year, she divorced him and moved back with the kids. So, did God really speak to her and tell what to do? And in so doing disrupted the kids lives and my life. It was very tough to watch my kids leave like they did, especially when they told me to my face that they wanted to leave, because they prayed about it. I really couldn't understand it, doesn't Mormonism believe in family? I guess it only applies if you are a believer too.

Ok, so now lets think about people who claim to be spokesmen for God. First off how do we know that they are actually spokesman for God? Because we feel it? In that case, please refer to my previous paragraph. Like I mention before our feelings and emotions can fool us. Haven't you ever gone to buy a used car and and felt good about the purchase, only to find out a week later that it was a lemon. If you think back, the used car salesman was there to help you feel good about your purchase. Telling you all of the good things and not the bad and reinforcing those things you said you liked. All being done so that you will feel good walking out. So that's all good and fine, but a smart buyer would have someone that you know, who is independent of the salesman, who knows about cars, look at it and check it over and have them give you their, hopefully, unbiased opinion. If we only trusted the salesman, we may be overlooking serious issues about the car we are thinking of purchasing. If someone tells you that they speak for God, how do you know? This is a tough one, because in the Mormon church, I know that some of the leaders tell you that you are not allowed to criticize the leaders of the church, even if they are wrong. That, by itself, should raise a red flag to anyone. Can you imagine if say the President of the US said that, it wouldn't go over well. Yet when it comes to a spiritual leadership people thinks that's ok.

I guess to me it seems to be nearly impossible for us to understand what it is that God wants. If you were born in Iran, you would grow up trying to understand what it is that Allah wants. If you were born in Spain, more than likely will trying to understand what God wants from a Catholic perspective and of course, if you happen to be born in Utah, you would be thrust into the Mormon ideology. Each one of these religions think that they have the understandings of God and that they, and they alone, have the truth. If you are a Catholic do you think that when a Muslim prays, that they pray to nothing or maybe your God just doesn't hear them? If so, why? Doesn't your God love them too? Or maybe it's the same God, but he gives conflicting messages to each just to see who will battle it out and win. In the Old Testament it talks about how God battled it out with other gods, maybe that's still going on. If you believe that then you believe in a plurality of gods don't you?

Anyway, I have found that one can live quite happily when you don't need to figure all this out.